I've been reflective about friendships lately. For the most part this is a natural occurrence because of the fact I spent the weekend with quite a few of those I call friends. I've rather stepped out of my norm (established early in life) and thrown most of my friendship eggs in the same basket. I cannot say that my thoughts have been particularly good or particularly bad. I suppose in all honesty, some from column A and some from column B. I have not been exactly happy or sad when thinking, but thinking I've been doing [I'm a tad discouraged, by the way, that I have this tendency to use contractions... I will try to overcome from this point on.... doh, and ending in prepositions... I am back sliding!] So, where was I?
Ah, the evolution of my friendships....
I was pretty much a loner in my early years. I was raised by a very over-protective mother who also had a heavy spattering of superstition. I played alone. I had lots of imaginary friends. [Batman was my favorite, and also who I wanted to marry when I grew up... and now that I think about it, I do not know that my standards have changed all that much.] When my brother came along, we played together, but I mostly remember solo play.
I did not go to Sunday school or preschool, or anything. No outside contact. Not until I was six and starting public school for the first time. I was in first grade. Since I had never been acclimated to people, it was assumed I was an imbecile , so I was put in the dummy class (this was allowed in these days, and I can say this guilt free, because everyone in that class was held back that year). I do not remember making friends in that class. I remember hating the teacher. I also remember the girl sitting in front of me. She had a side ponytail that was curly (my hair was always straight) that I thought was cute, but her voice annoyed me. At the time, I was certain this was the dumbest person on the planet. I did not desire to befriend anyone.
Fortunately, I was moved when they realized I could read, and my first legit friend in the whole wide world was paired with me to catch me up to speed. Her name was Becky, and I've written of her before. She was the first in a long line of friend-ishes.
My friend-ishes were the people who I developed fast and close friendships with when I was around them. If we had a class together, if we were on the same team, later on, if our husbands or boyfriends were friends, etc. However, these friendships did not span the realm of me seeking them out to talk to or be around. I am not certain if this was a flaw in me or them, or if it was just a thing, but that is what it was. Anytime I was around these friends, I really did like them, and I really did enjoy it, but if I did not see them again for three years, I did not lose sleep. Writing it all out, I feel like I was just a crappy person. I had my reasons though, that might come out before my laundry is dry and my word well is empty.
This was the only type of friend I had through elementary school and into middle school. Once in middle school, things got ugly for me. That is just a wretched time for anyone. Hormones kick in and tweens and teens press the limits of acceptable behavior. People become out for blood, and an ill spoken word can ruin your life. I see this all the time when I work in the school. I do believe that if I ruled the educational world, middle school and junior high would be a forced academic sabbatical. But that is not where I was going with this today...
At the end of my sixth grade year, I made my first friend. April was fun and carefree and most importantly, non judgmental. She did not make fun of me for any of the things I liked (reading, music, video games, dorky stuff... I'm not so different). Turned out her grandma lived close to me and so through proximity we became fast friends. We talked on the phone. I could tell her my problems. She listened and gave me advice, and I did the same for her. We had "boyfriends" that were parts of the same groups (we liked the skater boys, what can I say) and hung out on the weekends.
Maybe the bad thing about April was that she was my only friend. So when serious boyfriends started happening around high school, our friendship suffered. Also, academically, we were polar opposites, so we did not have any of the same school schedules or clubs or anything like that. Turned out that those separations took their toll, and we drifted apart.
I fell in with people in my classes and clubs. We had nice friendships, but they remained at school. More friend-ishes. I suppose, in reflection, I just did not want to put forth any effort. For the most part though, it was enough. I did not ever remember feeling like I needed a friend and did not have one. [Am I the only one beginning to think I might have been a bit egotistical?]
The summer before my junior year, I met who would become my first FRIEND. The CAPS are important, because she deserves distinction. Oddly enough, if I had been having these thoughts and writing this journal a year ago, she would have been in the friend category with April. Now is not the time to write about that, but perhaps one day I will explain all that. Either way, we met in East Tennessee. We became fast friends, and the distance did not stop it. That should be viewed as even more remarkable since this is in the days before cell phones, Internet and social networking sites.
When I was married, I had lots of hisfriends. These were all people I liked well enough, and they seemed to like me, but we all knew that if we removed the tie that binds, they would not be there for me. Not too far into the marriage, I also found myself without my two friends. For the former, our lifestyles were so drastically different at this point in our lives, we could be nothing more than friend-ishes anymore. The latter, well, she just sort of disappeared. I did not know why for many years, but I always assumed it was something I did wrong.
Operating on that assumption and my learned distrust of people, I decided (unconsciously) that the best avenue for me was one of no friends. They were high maintenance and backstabbing usually anyway. So for the next several years, I did just that. It was not until the end of that time that I really started to miss that which I did not have. In some cases, I could even say that which I had never had.
Then that brings me full circle to the present. As baffling as it seems to me, I have lots of FRIENDS. I have friends that invite me over (repeatedly) and friends that call or text just to say hey. I have friends who listen to my problems and friends who tell me theirs. I have friends who remember my birthday and friends who do not write me off when I forget theirs. At this point, it is still overwhelming to me. When I have down times, that small old voice whispers "this is it, you've run your course again", but I am beginning to think, perhaps, this time, I really have not run my course.
...I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me, you can call me Al.
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