Where is the Love?

So, I saw this on the front of a book the other day. It wasn't my book, and I didn't want to be overly nosey about noting it. It stood out to me for a few reasons. One, I'm pretty sure it was a Bible. Again, I didn't examine it, but I was at church camp, so I think that's a safe assumption. Otherwise, it would have been just any antique book, given the way it was bound. I really love books, so details about them like that stand out to me. Secondly, it stood out to me because I'm about 99% positive it was written on there with a Sharpie or maybe an Expo marker. I like markers quite a bit, too. At first glimpse, I was horrified that someone would write on a book. I don't know anything else about it except that it was a red book with this question written in black along with a heart (think Valentine's day, not internal organ).

Regardless of all that, the image stuck with me over the next several hours... well, at this point days. At first, it made me a bit sad. I recounted all the times I myself had thought that very sentiment. The whole love people phenomenon baffles me anyway. I mean, I know I should love people. It's just the nice way to be. However, so often it seems there's no rhyme or reason to the who's and the how deeply's. And let's not even talk about how it is, being on the receiving end. I mean, seriously, what's it really feel like to feel loved? Can you even tell when people actually do? Does proclaiming it make it so? Are hugs and kisses what it's all about? Is it kindness? Tolerance? Is withholding my mean and nasty feelings enough to count as love? So, yeah, I was having those sorts of thoughts. They were more immediate upon seeing this.

I struggle with emotions anyway, swinging back and forth between "I don't like feeling them because they make me feel weak." and "Wow, I feel things about these people. That's kind of nice." I pretty much had a Paula Abdul mentality on emotions cornered (Cold Hearted Snake) when some sort of internal cracking decided to start taking place. I think it started when I taught Kindergarten. If you ever just want to feel loved... like, you need that validation because let's face it, adults aren't so hot at showing it, really, then I would recommend working around these very young children. I reflect on that time in my life as three years intense hug therapy (if I haven't mentioned, I have this issue with being touched by strangers. Really, don't pat me on the back if you don't know me.) Obviously, there was a lot more to that, but I loved those kids. Oh yeah, there's the love!

That wasn't it though. I went on in this sort of thoughtful funk for the rest of the day. Maybe I should mention that it was cold and rainy also. It was fitting for my melancholy thoughts as I drove home. There were other things that went on that I'm sure could be analyzed and blamed for my funk, but this question, that silly drawing (not really silly, but really, why? what was it about it?), was sort of driving my thoughts.

On the way home, I thought about who I love and how I love and all the ways it seemed so inadequate. I felt like I was just almost realizing some bigger picture... God's cosmic plan perhaps, but I couldn't quite grasp it. I felt like a lousy person and an even lousy-er Christian. I didn't love enough people genuinely enough, and I had no freaking clue how to make myself do this. Indeed, where is the love?

The next day, I had a long drive to seminary. Usually I find great joy in setting my iPhone to random and cranking up the volume. Ah, but not this day. I once again couldn't focus on the lyrics of my favorite songs. A marker scribed question was demanding my attention. So I gave up on tunes and thought some more. This time, I reflected on if that was indeed a Bible as I thought. Where did I, myself, first really begin to really love? What was at the root of it? Where did I feel love myself when it seemed to me it was nowhere else? How ironic that it was on the front of a Bible, no? I mean, really... where else would the love be? I thought it was maybe,  in this one instance, sort of a good thing that someone had drawn on the front of a book (although in no realm would I EVER myself want to write on a book). Well, not simply a book, a Bible. It's fitting. Especially if someone was looking, and maybe that something caught their eye and made them pick it up...

...or maybe just made them think about it lots, eh?

So, today, I was somewhat back to normal I thought. I didn't think about this drawing at all until my drive home from work. I was insanely tired. I did not feel all that great, and most all of what I wanted was a nap. I put my iPhone on random and cranked up the volume. The weather was beautiful, so I even cracked the windows a bit. However, I was feeling picky about my music, since I was tired. I skipped Anthrax and Stone Temple Pilots. After two Elvis songs, I wasn't in the mood for his senseless chipper-ness either. When somewhere between Tiptonville and Samburg, "Where is the Love" by Black Eyed Peas started. I know what you're thinking... I did that on purpose, but I do not. I hold the power of random somewhat sacred, and while I may skip songs or even replay especially nice ones, I never go through and specifically pick them while I'm driving. The surprise is part of the fun for me.

There I was again pondering this question. I also thought how I really don't care for that energizer, but probably because I just don't know it so well... but that really has no bearing on this blog or my thoughts beyond that. I tried to listen to the song, but my listening comprehension is terrible. So, I played it again. I thought then that I'd look up the lyrics, but I didn't. I suppose I will later, but I think they made some pretty good points about practicing what you preach and asking for guidance from above. (especially when you consider this is coming from the same artisits that brought us Boom Boom Pow.)

I don't suppose I really have a conclusion. For whatever reason, that was drawn by someone, probably for reasons known only to that person. For completely other reasons, I noted it, and it sent me plunging into thoughtfulness. I had a ridiculously emotional day either because of seeing that, or other circumstances, or maybe I could even blame it on the rain (Milli Vanilli). I thought good thoughts and bad thoughts and prayed lots as a result of thinking about it. Maybe now that I've written about it, it'll leave my mind. Then again, I kind of hope it doesn't.